With scans and midwife appointments underway, the whole naming sagar begins to creep into conversations. Using various apps and baby naming books we got a little list together. It wasn’t easy, I liked classic names and Tash liked odd names like Post Box and Door Stop, but we eventually agreed on a few. I then made the worst mistake, I told people our name ideas. The ‘what names are you thinking of?’ Is one of the most common questions to be asked. What I should have done is kept them to ourselves but instead I excitedly reeled them off. You are then bombarded with judgement and opinions. Why this is bad is that names you liked, then get shot down and you can’t help but be put off or a little deflated.
Anyone reading this expecting, my only advice is DONT TELL ANYONE YOUR NAME IDEAS IT WILL ONLY BLUR YOUR CHOICES and quite frankly, piss you right off.
Next there is the hospital list and the dreaded ‘what you need list’ oh that bloody list! Combine that with the ‘oh don’t forget the…’ opinions and you’re ready to use swear word combinations you’ve only ever seen on Bottom. There are loads of versions floating around thee interweb and before you know it you’re not really sure what you need and just considering buying everything – especially as a dad, after all they’re doing the baby cooking bit, so it kind of falls on us.
Luckily my MD at work gave me hers and it was great, she gave explanations as to why she got some things which gave me reasoning and at least a starting point. Not to mention justify all the spending. Offering to make a buggy using the same techniques as you used to build a go kart as a kid is deemed unacceptable. Some things I just ended up buying because Tash wanted them, it’s never wise crossing a pregnant women, especially in the summer months when they’re ‘glowing’ and with a short fuse.
(I’m going to post our list on a tab in the hope it helps or at least gives you a guide.)
Spending most evenings glued to google (see Siri Seduced Me Post) I came across forums filled with ranty women, happy women, panicky women and know it all women, all speed typing opinions, arguing and virtual laughing – I’ve never seen so many emoticon faces. What kind of strange alternate universe had I stumbled on?! I’ve never found an occasion to use the phrase until I laid there at 3am reading posts of people arguing about teet sizes. ‘Bitches Be Crazy!’.
That being sad, it is also a great resource of information, reassuring comments during those panicked moments and people that genuinely want to help. One thing you will see regularly is that they like to abbreviate pretty much everything making it even more confusing, so here is a key for you to help you try and navigate the mayhem (thank me later).
DD – Darling daughter
DS – Darling son
FOC – Father of child
AIBU – Am I Being Unreasonable
BC – before children
BF – breastfeeding
BIL – brother in law
DH – darling husband
HV – health visitor
IMO – in my opinion
The list goes on!
As men we have had years of attempting to understand women. Yes means No, I don’t want to talk about it, actually means they want to talk about it and if you don’t ask what’s the matter at least 5 times you don’t care. But when they’re pregnant this goes to whole new level! When I had the dreaded moment she stopped fitting in her clothes I simply blamed the washing machine and said I’d write a stern letter to the manufacturer. Ever seen that Simpsons sketch of Homer eating, yeah that, don’t for the love of god comment or try and keep up (keeping up is the reason I’m now noticeably chubbier). Get used to backing down rather than arguing your case – their emotional switch is fucked, you will never win!
Even if they look like they’re happy, tread carefully, those eggshells hurt if they jammed into your skin. Do not tease them about pooping in the pool and that you shall name them Little Petey Poopy Pants forever more. If you find yourself in the dog house petrol station flowers do not end with a ‘at least it was the thought that counts’ if anything, do more damage. Don’t comment on the snoring or dribbling and when she walk farts, giggle farts or sneeze farts just pretend you never heard it or blame it on the nearest living thing – in our case, the poor dog.